I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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