my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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