I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
