I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
