you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
