Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
