do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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