There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
pop tarts are not kleenex
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
