Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
