Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
