My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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