I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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