Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
