farters have to be the big spoon...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
