so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
