i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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