Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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