meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Rumble strips road head = magical
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
