i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
