WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
