Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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