It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
