They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
