Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
