Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Green mimosas i think yes
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
