Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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