Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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