Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
not ubering you a puppy
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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