Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
