That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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