im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
