so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
