drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
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