mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
