Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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