I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I need to sanitize my soul.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
