Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
do nipples grow back?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
