I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
