How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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