I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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