Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
