I accidentally had phone sex last night
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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