Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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