96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
