booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
