Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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