Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I wear drunk well.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
