just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
