mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
