Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
