is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
