I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
