Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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