As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
