in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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