my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
