dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just found puke in my bra..
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Vodka?
Forever.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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