I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
