Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
