so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Four minutes until I can fart!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
