I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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