my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
