I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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