his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
