Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He passed out mid-signature
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
